ahahahahha!!

thanks to the glorious My Life is Average website:

"The other day I learned that if you say 'beer can' with an English accent, you're saying 'bacon' with a Jamaican accent. Mind blown. MLIA"

im going to be saying this all day.
LOVE IT!

Cognac Blues

you gets your just dues in
Heaven ------ Heaven'll
be indifferent to this
indifferent dog
(yet, honest indifference
were better than can't)
...... really.
when i hear pios
bullshit about justice
and Democracy and i know
the hypocrits are lying
in their false teeth
i'm not indifferent to God
I'm indifferent to
me-on-earth.
i cant think of anything
more ridiculas than me
on earth -
really!



Jack Kerouac

for lack of a better medicine

several nights have gone by and my eyes wide open, until the sun begins to rise.
and then morning lights up far too much for me to sleep anymore. noise. heat. light. life begins and i must start again like a blind engine.

this lack of sleep gives me forms of hallucination. or is it just mental disorder? (the lecturer did say, though, that we must refrain from diagnosing ourselves unless we think paranoia is appealing).

i feel like im drifting in and out of my body; a werid sort of schizoid cut and we are tow and then i am one.
it is scary at first, but if i give it into it, its almost relaxing.
as if the tiredness of one person is being shared by two. and on some pseudo level it relaxes me.


fuck.
psycho-babble.
im so full of shit.


apologies.

haha! Chinaski only speaks the truth!

gender benders

I'm only guessing, of course, as
usual but here goes:
when the ladies gather over
cocktails they talk about
how their husbands tend to
stifle them, smother their creative
instinct, their natural joy,
their ultimate female
selves.
without their husbands they
would float free
and thrive and grow
without limit
as they were meant to do.

but ladies, i will tell you
this:
when men gather they
never talk about their
wives.
we discuss the
Dallas Cowboys
or the new barmaid at
The Bat Cove Tavern
or about how Tyson would
kick Holyfield's ass...

unconcerened with
petty arguement
we have floated free...
giat macho soaring
balloons!

WHEE!!!


Charles Bukowski

of the time that follows.

for three years he was all i knew. our relationship was built on our mutual curiousity to want to know more about each other. its hard to explain how one can fall so in love without any physical reality. but it is what happened, and perhaps that brought alot of strength into the relationship that may not have been there in any other circumstance.
and after three years of feeling devoted and in love with one man, understanding the very core of him, knowing his secrets and his shortcomings, his dreams and nightmares, after all the investment into thinking he was 'the one', suddenly setting myself free has brought about feelings of such stark contrast i feel my knees buckling under the vastness of it all.

there on one hand is the immediate feeling of freedom, as if one has held ones breath underwater, pushing ones power to stay and stay and stay and in one swift movement reaching, splashing out of the water to gasp in a breath of air, be it solied or pure, as big as one can take. it is by far a relieving feeling, the loss of the pressure of being obliged to someone. there is an impresison of weight coming off your shoulders and chest and back and wherevere else one is likely to carry a load. and of course the impression of what i personally call "temporary final peace", simple because what at one point of time feels as if it would last forever, is merely a silly mirage and definatly not what is to come.

but then what is one to do with all this sudden freedom?
i am so used to him in all ways possible. i wonder how i could behave differently with anyone else, or if my body will reposnd to anyone else, or if there will even be anyone else.
and then the fright of regretting the whole situation all together. and then the worry that if it isnt a regret, then why do i feel so lost?
even if it were my own decision, it is inevitable, this feeling of emptyness that isnt as great as, but could be compared to, probably, some sort of empty nest syndrome. we did, of course, love each other like children, effortlessly and boundlessly.

is it, i wonder, actually just my youth? i hear it so often that i just have to consider it. is it just me wanting more, wanting something brutally idealistic, some garishly romantic hollywood inspired feeling? or is there genuinely something more substantial for my need to be apart from him?

all these questions i ask are rhetorical of course. i am not actually looking for an answer from you or myself, for that matter. i am merely just reflecting on these emotions that ebb and swell, seemingly as they please. it is, as you may imagine, daunting.

i do realise that so much of this emotion is caused not due to the present situation at hand, rather due to the immense curiosity that i habour for what lies ahead. everything is quite different from how i had imagined it, and i never truly believed that i would one day be apart from him. but here i am now, single. far from ready to mingle, yet desperate to know that there will, in fact, be a crowd within which to mingle when i deem myself fit and ready to be labelled 'on market'.

right now, at this very moment a battle rages on inside my every working head;
i couldnt possibly do better.
or.
there must be something greater to do.

silly hippy, i say to myself.
idealism never did no good for no one.

so i fall back, melencholy, on that weathered old negativity cushion of mine and drift.
like i keep saying,
such is life.

heartless

this feeling of dissassociation is a very simple emtoion; and easily achieved at that.
to be honest when i left Pune, i was not concerend with coming home and suddenly feeling apart from it. and for a long time, everytime i would return things would somehow fold back into some form of how they were. i expected change, but i expceted to be in some form a part of their lives no matter where i was.

but now everytime i plan to go back, i start of excited and home sick, and before i know it i feel afraid of returning and being a stranger to people who feel so familiar to me. and i look forward to it less and less.
i'm not new to disclusion. but not from them.
and its so simple;
like something i knew all along but never realised.

i suppose where i lack being a fool in love, i am one in camaraderie.

the more i feel this,
the less i want to go back,
and the more i want to not know any of them anymore.

ReligionSmack/GenderBender

I really am quite tired of gender restrictions, in terms of the social environment. Now of course I will say men and women are not equal. However, is it equality what it is about? Because with all the biological and social evolution, I think we all, despite sex, are not the same, thus, far, far from equal.

What I would like is idealistic and very simple.
I would like to see a world, empty of two basic ideas: Religion and Gender.

I have made my voice on religion quite clear. To me it feels like a foolish ideal, and blind following without questioning, thus underestimating ones own intelligence. Are people still not willing to accept that the basis of any religion just somehow seems to mount on politics?
Of course I must say that I do agree with what religion is essentially supposed to stand for. However, it would be simply stupid to say that concept of religion has not deviated from what I assume it was supposed to me. Religion, today, only breeds intolerance. What sane, loving god, if there was even one, would take pride in the planet and the people today?

Load of arse.

Then came Gender.
I seem to never really get to a point in an argument about the above without eventually contradicting my initial argument. But to be on very basic ground; I’d like to pull attention to, not technological advancements, but the social and cultural evolution of human beings in the modern, cosmopolitan world. Though we aren’t there yet, I find myself feeling very strongly about the idea of cultural androgyny.
I do believe that there is a reason for a female body and that for a male body; however, I also feel that in the time and environment we live now, that these reasons are purely biological and not necessarily social.
I would like to see a time where not just women do what men do, but men do what women do. Where its not so much about equality, instead, the allowance of space to, with the luxury of the time we live in, let go of old stereotypes and conditioning to behave as we would like to, as if we are in a way ‘tabula rasa’ and thus behave on instinct, rather than what is socially apparently acceptable.

However, me thinks, this social androgyny would maybe also decrease sex for pleasure.

Errrrrm.

I don’t know if I'm ready for that yet.